Nobody is on trial. Here's what actually happens.
The appointment is on the calendar. One of you booked it, and the other agreed, maybe enthusiastically, maybe reluctantly. Now you're both a little anxious about what's going to happen. Will we have to rehash the worst fight? Will the therapist decide whose fault it is? What if we just sit there and say nothing?
Those worries are very common. Here's what a first session with me usually looks like, so you can walk in with fewer unknowns.
Nobody is there to be judged
The most common fear I hear is that the therapist will take sides, or that one partner is bringing the other in to be "fixed." That's not how I work. My job is to understand the relationship, which means understanding both of you and the pattern you get stuck in together.
That said, not taking sides doesn't mean staying vague. If I notice something that seems to be keeping you stuck, I'll say so, kindly and directly, and I'll do that with both of you. Most couples find that more reassuring than a therapist who just nods.
What we'll talk about
The first session is mostly about getting to know you. I'll usually ask about:
What's bringing you in now, and why now rather than six months ago
How each of you sees the problem (these are often different, and that's fine)
A recent conflict or moment of disconnection, walked through slowly
Some of your history: how you met, what drew you to each other, what's been good
What's going on around the relationship, like kids, work, health, or big life changes
You don't need to have tidy answers. Couples often disagree about the story, even the basic facts. That disagreement tells me something useful, so you don't need to settle it before you come in.
I'll also want to know what you each hope will be different. Sometimes it's specific: fewer fights, rebuilding trust after an affair, feeling like partners again after a baby. Sometimes it's just "we can't keep doing this." Both are good places to start.
It may feel awkward, and that's okay
Talking about your relationship in front of a stranger is strange. Talking about it in front of your partner, honestly, can be even stranger. People get emotional, lose their train of thought, or go blank. Some people talk a lot; some barely talk at all. None of that is a problem.
Sessions are by video and run 50 minutes, so you'll be at home or somewhere private. Many couples find that easier than an office. It does help to have a quiet space where kids or roommates won't overhear, and to sit together on one screen if you can.
What you'll leave with
You won't leave the first session fixed. But most couples leave with a clearer sense of the pattern between them, which is often a relief on its own. Sometimes there's a small thing to try before the next session, like noticing when the cycle starts or pausing before a familiar argument escalates.
You'll also get a sense of whether I'm the right fit. That matters. Couples therapy works best when both people feel reasonably comfortable with the therapist, so I encourage you to pay attention to that and to tell me if something doesn't feel right.
A few ways to prepare
Agree that the goal of the first session is to start, not to win.
Each of you think about one thing you'd like to be different.
Skip rehearsing your case on the way in. It tends to make people more defensive.
When you're ready to start
I see couples by video in Arizona and Colorado. You can read more about couples therapy and fees, or book a free 15-minute consultation if you'd like to talk before scheduling a first session.
